For as long as I can remember, I've been rewarded for my strength.
Vulnerability and emotional openness had little place in my life. As a kid, my parents always encouraged me to be independent, to speak my mind, to stand up for myself and fight for the underdog. As a professional, that inner toughness became a formula for success. I have had a reputation as a strong leader, quick problem-solver, and yes, even an "infuriating woman," (direct quote!) which I've always taken as compliments.
The idea that emotional honesty and vulnerability could help me achieve my goals was utterly foreign to me. I was tough - I could handle whatever life wanted to throw at me, and I had very thick armor that I proudly wore to protect me.
And then, my personal life fell apart.
One night several years ago I found myself curled up in a ball in the hallway of my house, unable to stop sobbing. My marriage was falling apart; I had to sell my home, I hadn’t told anyone about what was happening in my life and my entire family was three thousand miles away. Suffice to say; I felt very, very alone.
The Only Way Out Is Through
I got to the point where I knew that if I didn’t ask for help, I wouldn’t survive. However, as someone who’d spent her life taking care of everything and everyone but herself, I had no idea how to reach out.
One day, I spilled my whole sad story to an unwitting clerk at the grocery store. That was a turning point for me. Not only because I found myself crying to a total stranger over a conveyor belt of groceries, but because of how that stranger responded. She didn’t look at me like a monster with six heads. She listened. This kind person was able to hold space for me at that moment and bear witness to my vulnerability. My willingness to be open and raw, and her willingness to listen, facilitated an opening in me.
Vulnerability and The Enneagram
Healing was not an easy process for me, but after a few stops and starts, I literally and figuratively got back on my feet. I started to allow other people to see I didn’t always have the answer; couldn't always solve any problem. I accepted their offers of support. I began to be more honest about my pain. My key relationships deepened and became more intimate. I began to realize that vulnerability is actually the connective “glue” that brings me closer to others, and ultimately to myself.
I got very curious about my tendency to “armor up.” I had easy access to my toughness and a much harder time connecting to my vulnerability. I wanted to understand why. Around that time I discovered the Enneagram.
IEQ, an Enneagram assessment company, describes the Enneagram as "an archetypal framework that offers in-depth insight to individuals, groups, and collectives.” For me, it helped explain so much about myself.
Showing weakness isn't easy for anyone, but for some of us, it can be next to impossible. For people with my type – Enneagram 8 – there is a "motivational need to be strong and avoid showing vulnerability." Once I knew my type, I understood why I had such a hard time releasing my need to appear impenetrable. Eights are wired to avoid looking weak. Our natural inclination is to get the job done without asking for help.
Vulnerability Isn’t Weakness
According to Brene Brown, "Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome." For my whole life, I had been trying to control outcomes. I wasn't allowing myself to be seen - for the real me. The Enneagram System has helped me to decode my unconscious motivations and understand why I have had such a hard time opening up and asking for help. Understanding the Enneagram has helped to clear the path to embracing my vulnerability as a superpower. It is not a one-way journey, and I am by no means cured of my outer toughness, but through study, reflection, and being courageous enough to look deeply, I am having more grocery store moments with the people who matter the most to me.
