Things I'm thinking about

Pain is a fact of life.

Last night, my friend Forrest and I saw a new play at La Jolla Playhouse featuring the phenomenal Sasha Velour. Amidst a sea of unforgettable moments, one line struck me hard

If you can’t imagine it, it’s hard to make it a reality.

I just took a walk with a new 15-pound weight vest. It was a game-changer. With it strapped tightly over my shoulders and around my chest, my heart rate skyrocketed, and I ended up sweatier than ever.

Humans make around 35,000 decisions each day. Just pause and consider that for a moment.

Have you ever noticed when one thing goes sideways, it seems like EVERYTHING feels negative?

When people think of you, your name, your reputation, what is the thing that they say? It’s an interesting exercise because if it is something different than what you want to be known for, it gives you an opportunity to work on that thing.

"The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do" ~Walter Bagehot as found nestled inside my dessert at a Chinese restaurant. Maybe it’s my contrarian nature, but when I received this message from a fortune cookie, I carried that little slip of paper around in my wallet for YEARS. I loved doing what others thought impossible – I relished proving people wrong, breaking barriers and achieving what others perceived to be unachievable.

It’s thanksgiving week in the US, and that is usually a time when we see lots of posts about all the good things in life. This is a beautiful tradition, and I too, am grateful for so much in my world. However, to misquote Leonard Cohen, it’s the cracks that let the light in.

"What will you do with your one wild and precious life"? ~Mary Oliver Every year, every day, every moment, is a series of decisions...sometimes we are conscious of these decisions, sometimes we are a bit asleep to them. But each of the approximately 700,000 hours we will spend on this earth will be the sum of our lives. How are you choosing to spend them?

According to a McKinsey Report, the most diverse board of directors (top quartile), are 28% more likely to outperform their peers in the companies they serve. It makes sense, right?

Previous to 1954, it was believed to be physically impossible to run the mile in under 4 minutes. When Roger Bannister broke that barrier, several other athletes realized the possibility and they also did so within a few months. It was not a physical limitation; it was a psychological one. Once one person did it, it opened the door for many others to improve the record.

“Don’t just do something, sit there" Yep, you read that right. Our society has such a tremendous focus on doing, taking action, and accomplishing, we are all used to reading that phrase the other way around. It has caused an epidemic of high stress, burnout, and lack of connection. Our constant busyness puts distance between what we present to the world, and who we really are.

In yoga, aparigraha is the theory of non-attachment.“ Let your concern be with the action alone, and never with the fruits of action. Do not let the results of your action be your motive. ~Krishna (Bhagavad Gita)

Dictionary.com defines serendipity as: “an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident.” I love this definition. Unlike luck, which is defined: “to prosper or succeed through good fortune," serendipity suggests that we can cultivate a talent for making discoveries by honing our ability to perceive the potential in things.

This morning I woke up to a BuzzFeed article that enticed me with: 23 People Just Got Real About the Reasons Why They Got Divorced. Putting aside the eye-roll-worthy clickbait nature of it, it got me thinking about how important it is to tell your story. This particular listicle from BuzzFeed might allow someone else to see their situation with a new perspective. Others telling their story might be an unlock for someone struggling.

In 1998 I started my Human Resources career at #ibm on the diversity team at the headquarters office in Westchester, NY. IBM was a wonder back in those days: we had over 300,000 employees, a massive customer base and the HR team was fairly cutting edge. I was privileged to be part of a multitude of initiatives aimed at creating a work environment where we strived to help all employees feel accepted and valued. I had the opportunity to work on things like celebration and acknowledgment of different heritage months, what diversity means in different countries, and leadership development with an inclusion lens.

The Kenny Rogers of my youth, pre the strange facial surgery that happened later in his life, crooned about knowing “when to walk away and knowing when to run.” This is exceptionally good advice in work and life. And yet, we are somewhat conditioned to try to “stick it out”. It usually doesn’t work out well.

"It’s never been done before," "It’s not possible," "We can’t do it that way." How many times have you heard statements like these, or worse yet, said them to yourself? Last night I watched the Ben Affleck / Matt Damon movie, Air. Beyond being a good movie about an iconic basketball star and the shoe company that believed in him, it got me thinking about the difference between I SHOULD and I BELIEVE.

We are all busy. It is sort of a fact of life – work, family, personal interests – we are pulled in many different directions all the time with endless to-do lists and things we want to get done. Some of this is good – we are, by nature, wired to accomplish. However, when we are in “busy mode” we can sometimes forget other people are having a different experience from us.

I do not have my own children that I adopted or gave birth to, but I have an amazing stepson, Ty. While my relationship with his father didn’t work out, I was lucky in that he has a great Mom (looking at you, Trish) that did the parental heavy lifting; I kinda got to do the “fun stuff” with this amazing kid (now grown ass man, but I digress), while still prioritizing my career.

**10 Secrets to a fulfilled life **The two things you MUST do to live a fulfilled life **Five ways food can lead to fulfillment in life **This is the key to finding fulfillment These are just 4 of the articles that popped up when I started researching what fulfillment really means in life and work.

What have you left behind in childhood that might serve you today in your life and work? I came across this sweet video of a youngster expressing his emotions to his Mom, and sent it to a few friends. Once we got past the obvious joke of the emotional maturity of this toddler as compared to, oh I don’t know…some of my most recent dates…we had a laugh and then landed on the same thing.

For anyone living under a rock: this past Sunday was the #oscars. Yes, I got sucked in by the pretty outfits and the potential of something “unexpected” happening again…I wanted to see if some of my personal faves would win and maybe discover some new films that I hadn’t previous heard of…

What happens after a particularly bad date and you come rushing in for a prep call with your business partner, Sherry Essig? Well… a little bitching about the state of dating in ones’ 50’s, some reminiscing about other dates gone bad, a lot of laughter

Love is a funny word to use in a corporate setting. From an HR perspective, we discourage inter-office romance; there doesn’t appear to be anything loving around sales quotas or quarterly goals, and certainly, there is no love lost during annual performance reviews. And yet.

I love the Robert Frost poem, The Road Not Taken. In the poem, a traveler comes across 2 roads, one well-worn and clear and another quite unknown. While there are debates about Frost’s actual intention with this poem, I have always been inspired to think of it as taking the opportunity to be open to adventure, possibility, and wonder.

Earlier this week I received a text from a friend who had suffered a stroke in the middle of the night. Luckily her daughter was home from college and was able to call the paramedics. She was rushed to the hospital and her doctors were able to remove the clot causing the issue. She was resting in the ICU when I was able to reach her, but her speech was a little slurred and her thoughts were not 100% coherent.

This isn’t my actual picture; luckily there’s no photographic evidence (to my knowledge!), but it might as well be me. About 3 years ago I began to try to learn to ski in earnest. After a couple of seasons with a few lessons, and practice on nice long (read: relatively flat), groomed runs, I was feeling pretty confident. Tahoe is having an epic ski season this year so I took myself up there and down a slope I hadn’t tried before. Deep powder on one side and moguls (bumps) on the other.

Yesterday I received a very sweet message from the daughter of a former colleague. A few years ago I spent some time with her as she was nearing college graduation and wondering if she should go into Human Resources. In her message, she thanked me for some advice I gave her, and let me know she had indeed gone into HR and had just recently received an award for “employee of the year.”

I lost a job…I’m launching a book…My heart just got broken…I’m moving to another country…I feel so lost and I don’t know what to do… These and so many other “life” events are just some of what has come up within my divinity circle that I have met with monthly for the past 5 years.

You don’t have to look hard to find articles, news features, and likely, your hippie-dippy college friend (GUILTY!) all talking about gratitude. There’s good reason for this – check in with the "wisdom" of the internet and you’ll find all kinds of reasons to practice gratitude: your own happiness, bringing yourself into the present, improving relationships etc etc.

I used to think “balance” in my life was a place to get to – if I would just do a bit more yoga, have some more fun plans with friends, eat more veggies etc, I would arrive at a place called “Balance.” There was also a part of me that believed someone at work would notice (i.e., how hard I was working and the hours I was putting in) and would suggest maybe I slow down and find some more balance. If I’m being honest, there was also some part of me that believed maybe being out of balance, and tipping toward work was a bit of a badge of honor:

He basically adopted me. This was years ago, but the moment is still vividly clear in my mind. I was on my way to see a movie and had stopped into a pet store to pick up food pellets for my stepson’s newly acquired fish. Seemingly out of nowhere, a little bundle of cuteness came bounding up to me.

You need to shut the f*ck up. This was the lovely phrase a guy sitting right behind me in a Poli Sci class my junior year in college stage whispered loud enough for me to hear.

Status quo, equilibrium, routine, day-to-day, no change, same ‘ol same ‘ol…all words for how to keep things on an even keel. Sometimes that’s good. Slow and steady can feel good, and can even be helpful, especially during tumultuous times. However, there are times when stepping out on a ledge and saying yes may be just the thing you need to shake up your world.

I’m pretty good at getting things done. I don’t mean this in a braggy way; I have just always been focused on goals, I can juggle a bunch of things all at once and I’m generally always on the move.

8.45 am Sep 11, 2001. I was in my hotel room, at the Marriott Tarrytown in Westchester County, NY. The Today show was on in the background as I got ready for a job interview that was scheduled for 10am just up county a bit. I was nervous as I had just been laid off the day before, and my mentors had scrambled to get me an opportunity in a different department.

Yesterday I left the house with 2 pairs of sunglasses, one on the brim of my cap, one on my face. I drove across town, leashed up the dog, and started on one of my favorite walking loops in Napa. I was about ¾ of a mile into it when I discovered I had both pairs of glasses with me.

“You’re so bossy,” “Be a nice girl,” “You’ve got to go along to get along.” These and so many more were the refrains of my childhood and early career from people who were supposedly trying to help me.

It was a normal work day, in a regular, standard-issue conference room: chicken scratch on the whiteboards, computer cords strewn like silly string, windowless; seemingly purposely bland. I was brand-new in my career and had a great mentor who often gave me the opportunity to be in senior-level meetings. I was excited to be there: usually, it was an amazing opportunity to see how the company I worked for actually worked. With my newly minted degree in hand, I was getting a chance to peek behind the curtain of the inner workings of a large corporation.

It was the mid 70’s and my next-door neighbor and best buddy, Becky Milani (then LaCroix), and I were listening to the Marlo Thomas and Friends album “#FreetoBeYouandMe” (likely with a lapful of cookies, but that’s a story for another time!). I distinctly remember singing along to the title song: "and you and me, are free to be you and me” and pausing to ponder: what does it really mean to be free to be me?

Self-care often gets a bad rap - it somehow feels indulgent or something to do "later, when there is time." Making time for work, volunteering, parenting, friends, partners etc all feels somehow more important. But when you find yourself stretched to the limit, in the middle of, oh I don’t know, a global pandemic or something, you stop functioning as well. Your brain diverts resources and you go into fight or flight mode. The very things you are trying to do – be supportive of friends, and family, bring your most creative self to work, or work hard toward something that is important to you, suffer when you are not tending to your well-being.

I’ve been divorced for over 10 years, and while I’ve had some fun dating (and some of you are connected to me here – hey ya’ll), to be perfectly honest, I still haven’t found the “one.” LinkedIn is generally not the place to talk about dating – either my own experiences or others, but in reviewing at least one of my previous posts today will not be the first time for me.

There are many details that remain crystal clear in my memory: it was a chilly April morning in an ordinary conference room; there was a standard issue table and several chairs; a whiteboard with someone else's brainstorming not quite erased, a clock on the wall near the window and pens and paper scattered as if a toddler had been there before me. I had a stack of reports laid out in front of me. Out the window, I could just barely make out a ferry coming into the harbor when I noticed the time - 9:07.

Homeostasis is the tendency toward a relatively stable equilibrium between interdependent elements, especially as maintained by physiological processes. (Oxford Dictionary). When it comes to functioning in our bodies, it often serves us well - too hot and our bodies produce sweat to cool off; cut your finger and your body rushes in to stop the bleeding and start the healing. However, sometimes it works against our wishes as well: when, for instance, we start a new diet and the scale stubbornly refuses to budge, no matter how many cookies we don’t eat or how many planks we do (believe me, I have tested this theory!).

About a year ago my friend Sherry Essig and I met in San Diego for a mini-vacation. Between shopping excursions and our quest to find the best tacos in town (she’s a fan of the original Rubios and I love The Taco Stand), we started reminiscing about working together. Sherry and I first met over 14 years ago when I was working at RSM McGladrey and she came in to do some work with us. Talk about a serendipitous moment.

I distinctly remember the moment- I was sitting on the couch in my grad school apartment- it was early Spring and I was writing my thesis to finish up my Masters at the University of Wisconsin. I received a call from a senior HR leader at IBM, inviting me to come join his team in Raleigh, NC. While I was super excited, I didn’t know anything about the city – I don’t think I could even locate it on a map at that time. I came to town with San Francisco roots (and a wee bit of a West Coast attitude to boot) and thought to myself: how could this place ever measure up?

Last month I sold my home in Oakland, CA that I have lived in for the past 6 years. I didn’t have a plan for where I wanted to move. I hadn’t found my new dream home, nor did I have any idea what might be the right zip code for me, but my gut was telling me now was the time to let go of that home. And when my gut talks, I do my best to listen. Even though I had such a strong sense that this was the right time for me, I felt like I was sitting in a small boat with no sail, motor, or rudder and just barely holding onto the dock with my fingernails. I felt that as soon as I let go, I’d be out to sea without a compass.

I recently watched a beautiful video of a butterfly emerging from its chrysalis. If you’ve ever witnessed this amazing phenomenon, you know that it looks like hard work. The insect struggles to break free of its temporary shelter for what can feel like an eternity. Of course, that push-pull is an essential part of the transformation. Without it, the butterfly would emerge with underdeveloped wings and never be able to fly.

One of the first critical tasks I completed when the Coronavirus first hit and we were all asked to stay at home, was to binge-watch the entire first season of Love is Blind on Netflix. This *serious* research project led me to the following conclusions: we always want the one who doesn't want us and we are not necessarily well-equipped to make our own best choices. And this is just as true in recruiting as it is in our love lives.

I began my HR career at a large tech company way back in the 90’s. It was a great place to start, but I had a lot to learn and it was very easy to get lost in the shuffle. I often held back from speaking my mind or offering ideas because I didn’t feel comfortable or safe enough to do so. And then I met Cynthia Neff.

I have always been interested in how people tick. For as long as I can remember, I've had a huge desire to understand human behavior and motivation. It’s the thing I notice - whether sitting in a yoga class, waiting to catch a flight or watching a CEO speak, I am fascinated by people. That interest (and the cute football player I followed to a sociology class as an undergrad - but that’s a story for another post!) guided me to a career in Human Resources and continues to fuel my love for psychometrics. I'm certified in Myers Briggs and DiSC; I’ve done a lot of work with StrengthsFinder and many other systems and tools. However, it has been the Enneagram that has most impacted my thinking around human development.

For as long as I can remember, I've been rewarded for my strength. Vulnerability and emotional openness had little place in my life. As a kid, my parents always encouraged me to be independent, to speak my mind, to stand up for myself and fight for the underdog. As a professional, that inner toughness became a formula for success. I have had a reputation as a strong leader, quick problem-solver, and yes, even an "infuriating woman," (direct quote!) which I've always taken as compliments.

You know how it is….maybe your boss said something that pissed you off – or you didn’t get the resources you thought you would for project X, or you can’t help noticing that others less deserving seem to get the promos, stock awards, and cool assignments while you feel stuck doing the same ol’ thing. Then the phone rings and a recruiter has an **AWESOME** opportunity for you. All of a sudden you are telling your cube mates you are “heading to the doctor's office” with a sort of “don’t ask for details look” in your eyes.